Saturday, October 27, 2007

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Fear, Uncertainty, Fear

Just as we are suffering through the uncertainty of our adoption in Guatemala, a new "rumor" has emerged with the China program. I have not paid any attention to the China program in awhile, but happened to look around tonight, including a peek at the notorious Rumor Queen's web site.

She actually posted a rumor that some families are being kicked out of the program because they did an interim adoption! Can this possibly be true? I can't describe the feelings I have about both of our adoptions - fear, anger, indescribable pain, uncertainty and yes, I even feel stupid!

I ask myself how much more due diligence could we have done to make sure we selected countries with good programs, and agencies with reputable programs? Whose fault is this that we are being tortured by unbelievable changes in both adoption programs?

I don't understand this part of my life, and I don't know if I ever will. I have never felt so helpless. I am a "make things happen" kind of woman and have created a life that is so good, a life that in many ways has surpassed my dreams. The dream of having children is a new dream, not even a two year old dream, yet it has become THE dream of my life. This pain is just so raw, constant and shocking, I don't know how to move on.